Inadequate

WARNING...this is going to be kind of a long, "woe is me" post, but since this is one of the few ways that I have to get out my feelings, it's the only option I have...you can totally skip this if you want. I won't be offended, I promise.

Have you ever had the feeling that you just don't quite measure up to those around you? That while you might be giving it your best effort, your best will still not be good enough in the end and that you should just quit while you are ahead, relatively speaking? That's kind of how I've been feeling the past few days...well, weeks, if I'm really being honest with myself.

I'm constantly looking at the other moms in my ward, that I just randomly run into while I'm out running errands, or that I find online through their blogs, and I'm constantly finding myself falling short. You would think after almost 9 months I would have a better handle on this whole mother thing. That I would be able to understand more what Keegan needs, instead of having to try 5 or 6 different things before I finally get it right; that I would be able to handle more than just taking a shower everyday and that I would be able to actually do my hair, put makeup on and look presentable every day, instead of just on Sundays which is the way things stand right now. You would think that despite the fact that I gained 50 pounds with this pregnancy, I would have managed to lose more than just the initial 30 pounds that I lost immediately after Keegan was born, and yet I haven't (and I even think I've managed to put back on a pound or two, which makes it even worse). You would think that I would be better at getting Keegan and I dressed and out of the house every day, and for more than just running to the store to get milk, or to the bank to deposit a check; that we might actually be going to the park, or the beach, or the zoo, or a million and one other things that this city has to offer, and yet, day in and day out, it doesn't happen. It seems like everyone I know with kids manages to do these simple things, and yet I can't seem to pull it together and do it myself, and I can't help but wonder "Why not?"

As I write this, Keegan is sitting in his high chair in the other room watching one of his "Signing Time" videos and munching on his 10th batch of Cheerios, because I have finally given up the struggle of trying to get him to eat anything else. For the past few days, all I've managed to get in him are a few bites of a pancake, a lot of dehydrated fruit, a couple of cereal bars, and a ton of Goldfish and Cheerios (along with formula and milk from me, when he's willing to nurse, and not bite me). Even though I know, deep down, that this is normal and ok, and that he will be fine (thanks Cynth, again, for reassuring me and making me feel a little better), I can't help but worry about him. Keegan gained a ton of weight right after he was first born and he had grown quite a few inches right at the beginning, and now that he's almost 9 months old and sitting at just over 20.5 pounds, I'm worried that he doesn't weigh enough, and that he's not "thriving" like he should be (and like I want him to be) and that I'm a total failure of a mom. He fights going down for his naps, something he didn't use to do, and he now fights going to bed, and once I do get him to sleep, when he does wake up again 5 hours later, he fights going back to sleep which results in an hour long struggle of me letting him cry, and then feeling guilty because he's crying and I'm not comforting him, so I go and get him and nurse him for a little while until he falls asleep, then I try and lay him in his crib, and he wakes up and the cycle starts all over again, until I finally give in and just let him lay in bed next to me, which doesn't exactly help me sleep soundly, although it does seem to let Keegan, which I guess should be good enough for the time being. I want to be able to change all of that, and yet I don't know how to.

There are so many moms that I know, who just seem so calm and relaxed and sure about this whole "parenting" thing, and I find myself so envious of that fact. Why can't I be that way? Why do I feel like I'm the typical comedic parody of a "mom" who's walking around looking like she is always stressed out, frustrated and half-dazed, with her bathrobe on, and hair ratted and snarled because she hasn't had the time to make herself look more presentable. This is not who I want to be...I never wanted to be the woman who was 25 pounds overweight, who barely makes it out of her pj's most days and who never seems happy, and who gets frustrated with her kids and her husband for seemingly no reason at all. This isn't the type of mom I want to be. I want Keegan (and any future children that we have) to have a mom who is fun, who plays with them and takes them to fun places, and explores with the, and who has it way more together than I currently do (although at this point, there really doesn't seem to be any place for me to go, but up). I know AJ worries about me and the fact that I don't get out of the house every day, and that I'm not as sociable as the other moms in the ward, and that I don't totally feel comfortable hanging out with all of the other moms in the ward (but really, I've never been super-sociable so I'm not sure why it bugs his so much now), which makes it all that much harder, because I feel like I'm even more of a failure.

Deep down, I know that I'm fine, or at least that I will be fine (kind of like Cristina and Meredith on "Grey's Anatomy" are "fine"), and that hopefully these feelings of inadequacy will pass, but I don't want to wait for that time to come. I want it to be easy now, and I want to stop feeling like I'm failing at this whole "mom" thing. I want my husband to not have to worry about me, and my son to get the sleep and nutrition that he needs, without putting up such a fight (and who knows, maybe it's because he's teething, AGAIN, and his mouth just makes it too painful to eat or sleep comfortably), and I want to be the calm, cool and relaxed mom, who has it all together. Is that really too much to ask for?