HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Love, Lil' Stinker

(P.S. and a GIGANTIC "thank you" to Grandma Leach for my fantastic costume. It was a big hit!!)

"This is Halloween....

Everyone hail to the pumpkin king"*

Today took us to the lovely Bates Nut Farm with the hopes of continuing a family tradition started by AJ's parents years ago. I'm so glad that this place didn't suffer any damage (at least not the we could see) from the recent fires, although it was very sad on the drive up to see just how much damage there was. We drove past numerous places that still had a ton of tents up for the firefighters and rescue workers that are still working on putting the fires out, not to mention actually seeing homes from the freeway that had been burned completely to the ground.

My parents were down for the day, since they were originally coming down for the BYU vs. SDSU football game. Even though it was postponed, they made the trip anyway, so they could drop off Keegan's costume and just spend some time with us. It was so much fun...tiring, in a way, but really, really fun. I can't wait to carve the pumpkins that we bought. Halloween is quickly becoming a favorite holiday of mine! :)

Keegan enjoyed the straw more than the pumpkins, and wanted to share it with everyone...

and he definitely didn't like the goats (even the really timid one)....

but I think he had a pretty good time, as did his mom and dad (even though I was dealing with a broken baby toe...but more on that another time) and he even managed to sleep the whole way up, and the whole way back. YIPPEEE!!!

Happy Halloween!

*Song lyrics from "This is Halloween" from "Nightmare Before Christmas"

An Apple A Day....

...helps keep Mom's worries (sort of) away.

Keegan still isn't eating much other than his Cheerios and Goldfish, these days, but I was able to get some Mac 'n Cheese in him last night, and he's usually good for about 4 bites of baby food before he's done. Thank goodness for formula to help ease some of the worry. The other night, however, he decided he wanted to help me eat my apple, and promptly claimed it for his own. I'm not sure how much he actually got down his throat into his little tummy, but he was for sure having a blast sucking all the juice out of it and gnawing away (which really makes me think more teeth are on their way in, but that could just be me grasping for any sort of logical explanation as to why his appetite has changed so suddenly). Last night, we "shared" another apple...although this time, he really was a very good sharer. He would take a bite or two and then hand the apple over to me and watched as I took a bite and then he would take it back and take his next bite. It was pretty stinkin' cute, I'm not going to lie.

On a side note...he's learned to blow kisses and does it quite frequently, although it's with a closed fist, and off the back of his hand and not the palm, but he totally makes the "muah" sound as he's doing it. SOOOO CUTE!!! I love this little kid! :) He just makes me smile (even when I'm worrying about him and what he's NOT eating).

So, here's a big, fat, MUAH of a KISS, from us to all of you!

F-I-R-E

( this isn't our house...it's just an image from the newspaper)

So, you might have heard that quite a bit of San Diego County is currently burning to the ground. AJ, Keegan and I are fine....there really isn't much threat to us right now, other than the ash and smokey air. We are watching the news just to play it safe, since we have a canyon just across the street from us, and it has been a dry year so far, but really, I don't think that there is much of a chance that we will have to leave.

It's so sad to watch the news and hear about the 250,000 people that have had to be evacuated thus far. Let's just hope that the winds don't change and that the firefighters can quickly get a handle on things so that we don't have anything to worry about. We have a really good friend who is a firefighter for CDF and so right now our thoughts and prayers and with him, and hoping that he (and his fellow firefighters) are safe.

I really hate this time of year.

Inadequate

WARNING...this is going to be kind of a long, "woe is me" post, but since this is one of the few ways that I have to get out my feelings, it's the only option I have...you can totally skip this if you want. I won't be offended, I promise.

Have you ever had the feeling that you just don't quite measure up to those around you? That while you might be giving it your best effort, your best will still not be good enough in the end and that you should just quit while you are ahead, relatively speaking? That's kind of how I've been feeling the past few days...well, weeks, if I'm really being honest with myself.

I'm constantly looking at the other moms in my ward, that I just randomly run into while I'm out running errands, or that I find online through their blogs, and I'm constantly finding myself falling short. You would think after almost 9 months I would have a better handle on this whole mother thing. That I would be able to understand more what Keegan needs, instead of having to try 5 or 6 different things before I finally get it right; that I would be able to handle more than just taking a shower everyday and that I would be able to actually do my hair, put makeup on and look presentable every day, instead of just on Sundays which is the way things stand right now. You would think that despite the fact that I gained 50 pounds with this pregnancy, I would have managed to lose more than just the initial 30 pounds that I lost immediately after Keegan was born, and yet I haven't (and I even think I've managed to put back on a pound or two, which makes it even worse). You would think that I would be better at getting Keegan and I dressed and out of the house every day, and for more than just running to the store to get milk, or to the bank to deposit a check; that we might actually be going to the park, or the beach, or the zoo, or a million and one other things that this city has to offer, and yet, day in and day out, it doesn't happen. It seems like everyone I know with kids manages to do these simple things, and yet I can't seem to pull it together and do it myself, and I can't help but wonder "Why not?"

As I write this, Keegan is sitting in his high chair in the other room watching one of his "Signing Time" videos and munching on his 10th batch of Cheerios, because I have finally given up the struggle of trying to get him to eat anything else. For the past few days, all I've managed to get in him are a few bites of a pancake, a lot of dehydrated fruit, a couple of cereal bars, and a ton of Goldfish and Cheerios (along with formula and milk from me, when he's willing to nurse, and not bite me). Even though I know, deep down, that this is normal and ok, and that he will be fine (thanks Cynth, again, for reassuring me and making me feel a little better), I can't help but worry about him. Keegan gained a ton of weight right after he was first born and he had grown quite a few inches right at the beginning, and now that he's almost 9 months old and sitting at just over 20.5 pounds, I'm worried that he doesn't weigh enough, and that he's not "thriving" like he should be (and like I want him to be) and that I'm a total failure of a mom. He fights going down for his naps, something he didn't use to do, and he now fights going to bed, and once I do get him to sleep, when he does wake up again 5 hours later, he fights going back to sleep which results in an hour long struggle of me letting him cry, and then feeling guilty because he's crying and I'm not comforting him, so I go and get him and nurse him for a little while until he falls asleep, then I try and lay him in his crib, and he wakes up and the cycle starts all over again, until I finally give in and just let him lay in bed next to me, which doesn't exactly help me sleep soundly, although it does seem to let Keegan, which I guess should be good enough for the time being. I want to be able to change all of that, and yet I don't know how to.

There are so many moms that I know, who just seem so calm and relaxed and sure about this whole "parenting" thing, and I find myself so envious of that fact. Why can't I be that way? Why do I feel like I'm the typical comedic parody of a "mom" who's walking around looking like she is always stressed out, frustrated and half-dazed, with her bathrobe on, and hair ratted and snarled because she hasn't had the time to make herself look more presentable. This is not who I want to be...I never wanted to be the woman who was 25 pounds overweight, who barely makes it out of her pj's most days and who never seems happy, and who gets frustrated with her kids and her husband for seemingly no reason at all. This isn't the type of mom I want to be. I want Keegan (and any future children that we have) to have a mom who is fun, who plays with them and takes them to fun places, and explores with the, and who has it way more together than I currently do (although at this point, there really doesn't seem to be any place for me to go, but up). I know AJ worries about me and the fact that I don't get out of the house every day, and that I'm not as sociable as the other moms in the ward, and that I don't totally feel comfortable hanging out with all of the other moms in the ward (but really, I've never been super-sociable so I'm not sure why it bugs his so much now), which makes it all that much harder, because I feel like I'm even more of a failure.

Deep down, I know that I'm fine, or at least that I will be fine (kind of like Cristina and Meredith on "Grey's Anatomy" are "fine"), and that hopefully these feelings of inadequacy will pass, but I don't want to wait for that time to come. I want it to be easy now, and I want to stop feeling like I'm failing at this whole "mom" thing. I want my husband to not have to worry about me, and my son to get the sleep and nutrition that he needs, without putting up such a fight (and who knows, maybe it's because he's teething, AGAIN, and his mouth just makes it too painful to eat or sleep comfortably), and I want to be the calm, cool and relaxed mom, who has it all together. Is that really too much to ask for?

Catch of the Day

The end of September brings a fun and exciting time to our household...LOBSTER season. For roughly a 4 or 5 month period AJ can go and catch up to 7 "bugs" (as he calls them) each night. He looks forward to this time of year with almost the same amount of excitement that a little kid looks forward to Christmas. He seriously starts counting down the days right around the middle of September.

So, on Monday he went out...and didn't catch a thing. Needless to say, I think that he was a little frustrated. Tuesday night he went out and brought home these:Yes they were still crawling around my driveway at 10:30 at night...not really something I was too excited to see. It was kind of creepy...I'm not going to lie. Here's a better picture of the bigger lobster:

I think this lovely 7-pound beauty more than made up for Monday night being such a failure. I'm just glad that I'm not responsible for cooking the darn thing!

Your Hair Is Everywhere

I loved, loved, loved Keegan's hair from the moment that he was born. I couldn't believe how much he had right off the bat, how dark it first was, and the fact that he totally had a tail (which I fully expected to disappear, but alas, it never did). Unfortunately, the little man's hair was getting a little long and starting to curl (YAY!!!! I love boys that have curly hair, and I'm glad my son got some of my curl, even if his dad isn't quite so happy about it) and it was constantly in his eyes. The worst part is, since Keegan's been sick for the last few weeks, when he would get really tired, he'd rub his face and inevitably pick up some snot that had miraculously shown up since the last time that I had suctioned his nose 2.5 seconds before he rubbed his eyes and he would end up rubbing said snot in his hair, you know, to go with the food that he'd managed to wipe in his hair from his meal earlier in the day. Anyway, AJ and I decided that it was probably time to cut Keegan's hair, especially since I was sick of people asking me how old my daughter was (yes, I can't believe it either...Keegan just doesn't look like a girl)...even though I really wasn't all that sure that I was ready for it. I mean really, what 8-month old baby has enough hair to need a haircut?

That having been said, yesterday I did a little research and found a cute little place that specializes in cutting kids hair, called up to see how busy they were and then put Keegan and myself in the car and went on our merry way. Keegan was really good the whole time we were waiting, even to the point of playing in the different "speciality" seats that they have for the kids to sit in (my personal favorite was the airplane), but the minute they were ready to cut his hair, he wanted nothing to do with it. I ended up having to hold him in my lap while the girl cut his hair, which trust me, was not a fun experience....I think I ended up inhaling half of the hair that she cut off of his head. He was such a little wiggle-worm and he would not sit still, other than the 5 minutes that it took him to inhale the 3 animal crackers that she gave him. But in the end...his hair was shorn and there is no way possible that the old ladies can mistake him for a girl anymore. Thankfully, they took a picture for me during the experience and they saved some of his hair for me to put in his baby book, and Keegan even got a red balloon to take home with him (which he played with the entire 20 minute ride home).

So, here's the little munchkin pre-haircut:

and here he is after:

Is it just me...or does he look totally different? Maybe it's the clothes, or something, but he just doesn't look like a baby to me anymore, and I'm really not ready for that yet. Good thing hair grows back. I can't wait to have his longer locks again.

Rub a Dub...

three babies in a tub (although I guess that Aiden and Reilly aren't really babies any more...they are, however, two of the cutest toddlers around).

Being in Arizona this weekend, and having the chance to hang out with Becky, Doug and the twins made me wish that we lived closer to more of Keegan's cousins. It's hard when he doesn't have a lot of little kids to play with, and while I love some of the little kids in our ward, there really is no substitute for having family to play with.

Now I'm even more excited about being able to see Cynth, Ryan, Finley and Berlin when they come down in November. It's going to be a fun-filled week of playing and amusement parks and visiting with family, and I really can't wait.