And so the countdown begins. Hopefully, if things go as we have planned, I will be induced on Wednesday, August 20th. That means 7 more days filled with preparation for his arrival. That's 168 more hours before this little guy is added to our family. That's 10,080 more minutes of my life that will be filled with a myriad of emotions: fear, guilt, apprehension, hope, excitement, joy, exhaustion.
It didn't really hit me until today how much everything will change once we go from a family of 3 to a family of 4. I worry...constantly...about how this will affect Keegan. I hope that he is young enough that he won't really notice too much of a change, but I worry about how he is going to react when he has to wait, or when he has to start doing more things for himself. Right now, he is the cruise director of my day/life. When he wants something, for the most part, all he has to do is grab my hand and pull me in the direction he wants to go. That will all change, and while I know it will be good for him to learn to share a little more and to wait his turn, or to really listen when I say "no", I worry that it will somehow affect the way that he feels about me. Tonight, as AJ was taking him out of my arms where he fell asleep, Keegan stirred a little and murmured "My Momma" not once, but twice. It was the sweetest thing that I think I have heard in a long time. Usually, the last word out of his mouth as we are laying him down is "Dada". Will he no longer want his momma once I bring another little baby into our family? I worry that he will want nothing to do with me once I come home from the hospital...that he will no longer greet me with that sweet smile of his when I go to get him out of his bed in the mornings, or when he wakes up from his nap. I worry that he will no longer want to run into my arms, or lay his head against mine, or give me kisses no matter how many times in a row I ask for them. I worry that I will not be enough for him, as well as this new little baby and my husband. I worry that I will not be able to show enough love to Keegan...and that I will not be able to reassure him that he is still my whole world, even though my world has now gotten a little bigger and it includes a brother as well. He was the one that first made me a mom, and who opened my eyes to how much I could truly love someone so completely and nothing and no one could ever change that. I worry, also, that in trying to make sure that Keegan knows how much I love him that I will not be able to show that same amount of love to my husband and this new little baby of ours. Can there really be enough room in my heart for all of them? Do I really possess that endless capacity to love that I have heard so many mothers talk about? I worry that we really didn't think this whole "second baby" thing through and worry that maybe we should have waited just a little bit longer.
Along with the worry, there is the guilt. I feel guilty for changing Keegan's life at such a young age. I feel guilty for being so impatient with him lately, when it is so not his fault that I am huge and hot and exhausted. I feel guilty that I haven't given him as much attention as I feel that I should have, and I worry that I won't be able to squeeze enough "mommy and me" time in over the next 7 days. This is the last week of his life that he will be an only child...and I know that he has no clue that it is coming to an end, and it shames me with endless guilt that I am taking all that from him. I feel guilty for worrying about the ways that this little baby will change our lives in ways that we haven't even contemplated yet. I feel guilty for the added pressure that I feel this puts on AJ, who is already working so hard to make sure that I have the privilege of being at home with our children. I feel guilty that I don't tell him enough just how much I appreciate all of his hard work and all that he does for me...for all of the responsibility that he has placed upon his shoulders in order for it to not be on my own.
And yet there is this hope and wonder about what this new little baby will bring into our lives. I can't wait to meet him...to count all of his fingers and toes; to see who he looks the most like; to see whose eyes he got, or which one of our chins and nose he inherited. I can't wait to watch his own little personality develop, and to see with wonder, the world through his little eyes as he discovers this amazing world that he has been brought into. Keegan is still young enough that I remember the awe and wonder that I felt when he was first born. The amazement that this little baby was mine...that he was a part of both my husband and me. That he was created out of this amazing love that I have for my husband, and I can't wait to feel that again. I don't really have the words to describe what it feels like to hold your own, precious little baby in your arms for the first time...and I can't wait to do it all over again.
And still I fret and I worry...and the minutes just tick on by...faster I think, now that I know exactly when the end is going to be.
3 comments:
"Can there really be enough room in my heart for all of them? Do I really possess that endless capacity to love that I have heard so many mothers talk about?"
While I really can't answer many of the questions you mentioned (I have yet to deal with the whole 2nd pregnancy thing), these are 2 that I can utter an undeniable "YES" to. Oh-and here is another number for you - 2 1/2 - as in the number of days until you have 3 excited visitors at your house.
The scary thing about reading this post was that it was like looking in my brain a week before they induced me with Bright. I promise you that Keegan will be okay and that he might even love your hugs and kisses a little bit more because they are now shared with someone else. Somehow, that endless capacity for love really does exist. And just wait till they are a little older and they always have a buddy and a playmate, it is awesome! You will be an excellent mother for your family of four and if it ever seems like too much just remember to turn to the Lord and all the people around you who love you!
Oh and if you feel too bad that Keegan will not be an only child anymore, remember that none of the others ever get that so he is pretty special to have had a year and a half alone with you:)
We will be thinking of you on the
20th!!! We move on the 21st & 22nd so I'll try to give you call once I get up to Bear Lake on the 22nd. Hopefully you'll be out of the hospital by then. WE LOVE YOU!!!
I had the same worries when we had Berlin. It's amazing how quickly children adapt to the new situation. And surprisingly, the love the newbie just as much as you do. And yes -there is so much room inside to love both equally. It's pretty amazing.
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