Fear and Self-Loathing at 38 Weeks

WARNING: Super personal post ahead, so feel free to pass it up if you aren't in the mood to read it.

So, remember the episode of "The Office" where Pam and Jim are going to have their baby and Pam's obviously very much in labor, but she keeps putting off going to the hospital because she says that she wants that extra day in the hospital, although in reality it's really because she is scared that she can't do it?

Well lately, I've been channeling my inner-Pam, which would be fine and all if this was my first child, but somehow the fact that it's my third makes me feel really pathetic. I'm seriously scared out of my mind that I'm not going to be able to handle having a third baby, especially since it means that I will be the mother of 3 kids, aged 3 1/2 and under. I wonder if it really is true that it's going to take at least 6 months for me to even begin to feel normal. I wonder how long it will take for me to get up the courage to attempt to take all three of the boys out of the house at once (and if I will ever feel fully comfortable doing it before this baby is older than 1). I wonder how I'm going to manage holding Keegan's hand, and Camden's hand and hold a baby all at once while walking into a store, or crossing a street, or going anywhere period. I wonder if I'm going to be able to deal with preschool at my house again when it's my turn in the rotation to teach. I worry about how Keegan and Camden are going to react to him, and I worry about how much they might have to sacrifice over the next few months, and I hope and pray daily that they won't resent me or their little brother for it. I worry that I won't be able to show them how much I love all of them, and how that won't change even with a new little baby in our family. I worry about my ability to raise my boys right, so that they will add something amazing to my life and to the lives of whomever they might come in contact with. I worry about the fact that AJ and I will have even less time together than we already do, and I hope that it doesn't destroy or severely damage our relationship, and that the toll that it will take is something that we can get through and that we will be stronger for it on the other side. I worry about the stress that being the sole provider puts on AJ and I wonder how best to help ease it.

With Keegan I was so ready for him to just get here already, and be born, and it was hard having my doctor tell me that he wouldn't induce me (especially since it was my first) and it was hard having to go the 2 days past my due date that I had to before I went into labor with Keegan . With Camden, we scheduled the induction, because we wanted to make sure that my doctor was the one that delivered him, especially since she already knew all the history of what we were dealing with in regards to his lung, and we knew that he would be a bigger baby and then the little stinker decided to come the day before I was scheduled to be induced. This time around, I'm more than willing to just let this little boy come when he's ready, despite the fact that the longer he waits the bigger he will be, and despite the fact that I'm uncomfortable and physically done with being pregnant. It's not that I'm not ready to meet him, because I totally am. I can't wait to see if he looks like his brothers, or if he will look completely different. I'm ready to see what kind of personality he is going to have, especially since Keegan and Camden are total opposites in so many ways. I can't wait to see him and know what his name is. I can't wait to hold him, and love him and enjoy all of those amazing (albeit sleep-deprived) newborn moments that are so amazingly special, and yet, I still turned down my doctor's offer to induce me this Sunday, knowing that the next possible date for her to induce me after that won't be until after my due date, because I'm ready, and yet, I'm not, and I'm not really sure if there is any way to ever be fully ready for something like this, and I hate it.

I hate that I don't fully trust in myself, and in my ability to adapt and to expand, and to manage and to be a mother, which I know, without a doubt in my mind and heart, is what I was ultimately meant to do in this life. This is the path that I have chosen, and this is a decision that AJ and I made together, knowing what the challenges and trials and struggles might be, and now suddenly I have lost all confidence in myself and in that decision. I hate that I am so scared and so insecure about my abilities when I have family and friends that are struggling with so much more and who are doing it with such grace and confidence and strength.

Sometimes, human frailties suck.