Fear, Trust and Faith

fear (feer) n. - a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. concern or anxiety; solicitude.

There are few things in this life that I am afraid of. Spiders, roaches, and other creepy crawly things...I don't like them, but I wouldn't say that I'm afraid of them. Heights and flying....not really a problem. Snakes, sharks, etc...I don't like them and wouldn't want to be found anywhere near them, but I'm not necessarily afraid of them. That being said, there are things that I am afraid of. I am afraid of losing any member of my family. I love them all and could not imagine any one of them not being in my life for forever.

In the immediate sense of things, I am most afraid of losing my little baby. For those that may not know (and really that's probably most of you), Camden is having surgery on Dec. 16th. At my 20 week ultrasound (something that seems light years ago now) there was a mass discovered in his right lung. After multiple tests both before and after his birth, it was determined that the mass was pulmonary sequestration. Essentially, during his lung development a portion of his right lung didn't develop like the rest of his lung and while it has an artery that goes into it and supplies blood to it, it does not function like normal lung tissue, and really serves no purpose. We really didn't tell this to anyone other than family for the most part, because we didn't want to cause anyone undue worry. That being said, the closer his surgery date gets, the more afraid I've become because I can not imagine my life without Camden in it.

trust (truhst) n. - reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. confident expectation of something; hope.

I do not trust easily. It takes time for me to make friends, close friends, because I do not trust easily. That is not to say that the people that I meet are bad and shouldn't be trusted...they are, it's just that I do not let people into my life and into my thoughts and emotions and I do not let down my guard until I know that I can trust them implicitly.

The more scared I have become about Camden's surgery, the more I have had to trust in the surgeon that we have chosen to perform it, and in the hospital where it will be taking place, and in the anesthesiologist who will be watching over my son while he is in surgery, and in the nurses who will be providing his care both during and after the surgery. I have had to place my trust in the knowledge that this is the best thing for him, that he is young enough that there will be no ill effects, that all things will go as they should and that he will heal quickly and it has been hard for me to do, but I have done it.

faith (feyth) n. - confidence or trust in a person or thing. the trust in God and in His promises.

I have done it because I have been able to trust implicitly in my Heavenly Father and in the promises that I have been given in blessings that I have received. I have been able to trust in the doctors because of the faith that I have in the prayers that have been offered on our behalf. I have been able to do it, because in times past, when I have doubted my own strength to make it through the challenges that I have been given, the Lord has held my hand and He has carried me through the darkest times in my life. I have faith that He will do so again, and this faith has made things just a little bit easier today.