Fear, Trust and Faith

fear (feer) n. - a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. concern or anxiety; solicitude.

There are few things in this life that I am afraid of. Spiders, roaches, and other creepy crawly things...I don't like them, but I wouldn't say that I'm afraid of them. Heights and flying....not really a problem. Snakes, sharks, etc...I don't like them and wouldn't want to be found anywhere near them, but I'm not necessarily afraid of them. That being said, there are things that I am afraid of. I am afraid of losing any member of my family. I love them all and could not imagine any one of them not being in my life for forever.

In the immediate sense of things, I am most afraid of losing my little baby. For those that may not know (and really that's probably most of you), Camden is having surgery on Dec. 16th. At my 20 week ultrasound (something that seems light years ago now) there was a mass discovered in his right lung. After multiple tests both before and after his birth, it was determined that the mass was pulmonary sequestration. Essentially, during his lung development a portion of his right lung didn't develop like the rest of his lung and while it has an artery that goes into it and supplies blood to it, it does not function like normal lung tissue, and really serves no purpose. We really didn't tell this to anyone other than family for the most part, because we didn't want to cause anyone undue worry. That being said, the closer his surgery date gets, the more afraid I've become because I can not imagine my life without Camden in it.

trust (truhst) n. - reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. confident expectation of something; hope.

I do not trust easily. It takes time for me to make friends, close friends, because I do not trust easily. That is not to say that the people that I meet are bad and shouldn't be trusted...they are, it's just that I do not let people into my life and into my thoughts and emotions and I do not let down my guard until I know that I can trust them implicitly.

The more scared I have become about Camden's surgery, the more I have had to trust in the surgeon that we have chosen to perform it, and in the hospital where it will be taking place, and in the anesthesiologist who will be watching over my son while he is in surgery, and in the nurses who will be providing his care both during and after the surgery. I have had to place my trust in the knowledge that this is the best thing for him, that he is young enough that there will be no ill effects, that all things will go as they should and that he will heal quickly and it has been hard for me to do, but I have done it.

faith (feyth) n. - confidence or trust in a person or thing. the trust in God and in His promises.

I have done it because I have been able to trust implicitly in my Heavenly Father and in the promises that I have been given in blessings that I have received. I have been able to trust in the doctors because of the faith that I have in the prayers that have been offered on our behalf. I have been able to do it, because in times past, when I have doubted my own strength to make it through the challenges that I have been given, the Lord has held my hand and He has carried me through the darkest times in my life. I have faith that He will do so again, and this faith has made things just a little bit easier today.

Meet My Brother Ben..

Who just happens to be THE GREATEST UNCLE KNOWN TO MAN!!! At one point he was pushing 5 kids on the swings. He has countless energy, and was willing to play and entertain the kids all weekend long. (Seriously, Keegan cried when he realized that Uncle Ben had gone home). He really deserves a medal.

He's also a fearless lobster hunter. First time out and he managed to catch the biggest "bug" of the night. He showed the veterans (AJ and another guy from our ward) how to get things done. If you get a chance, ask him what his first impression of lobster was. It's pretty funny.

He's also pretty suave! :) In general, the greatest brother that 6 sisters could have asked for and then some. He's a great friend, a hardworking employee, intelligent, dedicated to his church calling and one of the coolest people I know.

Thanks again, Ben, for all your help this weekend. We miss you already!!! :)

Attitude of Gratitude

"You could have an experience with the gift of the Holy Ghost today. You could begin a private prayer with thanks. You could start to count your blessings and then pause for a moment. If you exercise faith, and with the gift of the Holy Ghost, you will find that memories of other blessings will flood into your mind. If you begin to express gratitude for each of them, your prayer may take longer than usual. Remembrance will come. And so will gratitude." - Henry B. Eyring "To Draw Closer to God"

My friend Angie had that quote on her blog and it truly made me realize just how much I have to be grateful for. I have been blessed with so much in my life. I have an amazing husband who is so patient with me, and who is so willing to help others out, even if it means giving up some of his very hard-earned free time. I am lucky that he was so willing to have 13 members of my family here this weekend (that's enough to drive any a little crazy) and so lucky that he enjoyed it. He takes care of me in ways that I didn't even think I would need taking care of and he never ceases to amaze me with his capacity for love and fun and generosity.



I have been blessed with an amazing family. I was lucky enough to have 13 members of my family here this weekend to celebrate Thanksgiving, as well as to be here when we blessed Camden in church (the other 4 members of my family were GREATLY missed). I am lucky that I have been blessed with such great sisters and a brother who truly bring out the best of me, and who remind me constantly that it's ok to not be perfect, and that sometimes you really just need to sit back and relax and let life happen. I'm so lucky to have a family that is willing to play silly board games (even when it's a little late and we are all a little punchy and willing to laugh at just about anything). I am lucky that they are so willing to play with and entertain my kids with no rest in sight (Uncle Ben will be sorely missed when he goes back to Utah by Keegan). I'm lucky that I will be able to carry those memories with me always, and that I will have the opportunity to make many more with my family.



I have been blessed with two amazing little boys who have made me a mother. They have demanded more from me than I ever thought would be possible for me give, and yet, whatever they have gotten from me seems to be enough. I am blessed to have such a happy little baby boy who smiles and coos and giggles and snuggles with you like no one's business, no matter what kind of chaos might be going on around him. He is seriously the happiest little baby in the world. Yes, he does cry, but those moments are usually pretty few and far between. I am lucky to have an almost 2-year-old(!) who every morning has to come into my room and check where every member of his family is before he can settle down into my bed and snuggle with me and his baby brother before our day really begins. I will always love hearing him say "Dada? Momma? Baby? Me Me (his name for himself) and then seeing his smile of satisfaction that everyone and everything is in it's place and that all things are as they should be. He gives loves like no one else can and is so gentle and loving with his baby brother (and Kaitlynn too when she is here) and could not be a better kid.

I have been blessed with great friends. Some new, some old, some that I have lost touch with, but I have amazing friends. All of them have, in their own way, shaped a piece of who I am today and I will always be grateful to them for their friendship. It amazes me to see the strength that so many of them have when they are faced with some truly trying times in their lives, and it gives me hope that I too will have the strength that I need when I face my own challenges in life.

I have been blessed with health, with financial security, with a home, with modern conveniences that make my life so much easier, with freedom to think for myself, to make my own decisions, to live as I see fit, to believe as I want and so many other countless things. The Lord is truly amazing, and I am truly grateful for all that I have been given in my life.