Our Utah Trek

AJ has to retake his boards in a couple of weeks (he has to retake them every 6 years), so in order to give him a little peace and quiet in order to get some really good study time in, I decided to head to Utah to see my family, because it had been way too long since we've been together. We were originally supposed to go up the first week of August, but Keegan and Camden both got sick, so we had to postpone our little excursion until just this past week. My mom came with us (thankfully), and it was a wonderful week of fun in Utah. All three of the boys did great on the drives up and back, so great in fact that I'm more than willing to do the trip again soon. (Utah, you've been warned)! ;) Other than a few minor moments and meltdowns (Keegan really, really missed his dad and wanted to go home every night, especially after we said our prayers in which we asked that our Daddy be watched over while we were away), it was a great time spent with my siblings and my mom and the boys with their cousins. They got their fill of bounce houses, and dinosaurs and pioneer heritage and just plain old hanging out with family fun. We got to ride trains and see Temple Square and enjoy a typical Utah summer storm (for the 5 minutes that it lasted).

We can't wait to go back!

Two at the Zoo

Time for catching up again, and I can't think of a better way to start than with Camden's birthday. I can't believe the little man is already TWO. For his birthday, we decided to go to quite possibly his favorite place on earth, the zoo. He seriously asks me daily if we can go and see the animals, so it was the best choice. Plus, we got to see some old friends while we were there, which made for fun times all around (the best part for Camden was that it was the second time in the same week that he was able to go to the zoo, and since we went later in the day, AJ got to join us, which is a rare thing indeed). We got to see all of his favorite animals, including the giraffe that he shares a birthday with, as well as some that we don't normally get to see. Since we took his cupcakes into the zoo, there weren't any candles for him to blow out, but he didn't seem to mind so much.

(hanging out at the zoo on his birthday)

Camden is my very stubborn, willful child (and I know that he comes by it honestly), and I have a feeling that he is going to be quite a challenge for me as he grows older. He is exasperating and exhausting and challenging and yet he's also my happy, loving child, who is more than willing at anytime to give loves and kisses. He is smart and he loves to be read to (and he'll "read" on his own), and he is strong and loves to be outside and loves, I mean LOVES, animals. He talks, but not a lot, although he is getting to be more and more talkative each and every day (when you have an older brother like Keegan who talks constantly from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep it's sometimes hard to get a word in edgewise, but Camden is slowly learning to hold his own). He has a love of "Cars" and trucks and anything that goes, and has learned to love "Woody" and "Boo" (Buzz Lightyear) and "Eroes" (Superheroes) because it's what his older brother loves as well. He loves his Dad and he loves Keegan. If he wakes up in the morning and Keegan is already out of bed, he comes into my room and asks where "Ne Ne" (how he says Keegan) is. Once he knows where to find his older brother, his day can begin. He also spends a lot of time during the day asking me where "Dad go?" and repeating that he's at work when I tell him where AJ is. He is learning to tolerate his little brother, and is more than willing to tell me when Hunter is crying or upset, and he always makes sure that Hunter is in the car when we go anywhere before he will let me put on his seat belt. He is Grandma's little buddy (as our recent trip to Utah reaffirmed). He is fearless, and willing to try anything that he sees Keegan doing, like jumping into our friends pool from their spa (which is higher up than the pool), without checking to see if Dad is there to catch him first (thankfully, AJ was and he survived to do it again and again and again). He doesn't like to do anything he doesn't want to do, and doesn't always listen as well as we like him too, but once he sets his mind to do something, he'll do it without being asked again. His laugh is so contagious, and I love hearing him laugh and giggle with Keegan as they play whatever game they are playing. He has a great imagination that he expresses in his own little way, and I can't wait until he is able to vocalize it a little more. He is so opposite of what we were used to with Keegan, and yet I wouldn't have him any other way. I love him just the way he is.


(showing me just how unhappy he was about something...a common look most days and then happy as can be just a little while later)

Happy 2nd Birthday, Camden Man! Here's to many more years of laughter and loves.

"Lost in the circle, beautiful circle, wonderful circle of love"

Sorry for my absence of late. I've been busy taking care of the three greatest little boys in the world. My days are full...sometimes, I'm not sure with what, and I find myself completely exhausted at the end of each day, but I am loving being a mom. Especially because I am a mom to these guys. I love my life.

Total Randomness...

apparently the housing market in San Diego is better than I thought, because even if your house isn't for sale, people are willing to buy it.

AJ and I got a letter in the mail the other day (just addressed to AJ, really, but since I live here too, it was also meant for me) from someone who said that she and her husband wanted to buy our house and that if we were willing to sell it to contact them. Hello, random, right? I mean, it's not like our house is on a busy street, where there is alot of traffic, so a lot of people see it, etc. We are at the end of a cul-de-sac...kind of out of the way. And it's not like we have a "for sale" sign in front of our house, or that we've contacted a realtor. Heck, it's not like we've even considered selling it...so why would someone just send a letter to us? Especially since there are actually 3 or 4 houses just down the street from us that are for sale.

Hmmm...I wonder if that means we just get to name our price too? :)

Hi, My Name is Hunter...

and I'm a milk-a-holic.

I still can't believe that it's been a month already. And I really can't believe that Hunter is as big as he is. He had his 1-month checkup today and he already weighs 12 lbs. 5.8 oz. REALLY?? And here I was thinking how small he seemed to me (and I guess in comparison to his brothers, he still is small...and yet, oh so big). Most importantly of all, I'm just grateful for how healthy he is...and how happy. For the most part he really is the eaisest baby (although we are still working on getting our days and nights figured out...right now his "day" starts at about 4:30 a.m. which is so not fun for me, or AJ, for that matter).

It's nice to have him here...and to have some of my fears and concerns just melt away. Keegan and Camden have been great with Hunter. They are so gentle and careful with him, and totally look out for him (the concerned look on Camden's face when Hunter starts to fuss is pretty stinking cute). For the most part, they just kind of ignore him...or just play around him, and thankfully there have been no jealousy issues. It's amazing how a heart can expand it's capacity to love...even when you think that it's just not possible.

Fear and Self-Loathing at 38 Weeks

WARNING: Super personal post ahead, so feel free to pass it up if you aren't in the mood to read it.

So, remember the episode of "The Office" where Pam and Jim are going to have their baby and Pam's obviously very much in labor, but she keeps putting off going to the hospital because she says that she wants that extra day in the hospital, although in reality it's really because she is scared that she can't do it?

Well lately, I've been channeling my inner-Pam, which would be fine and all if this was my first child, but somehow the fact that it's my third makes me feel really pathetic. I'm seriously scared out of my mind that I'm not going to be able to handle having a third baby, especially since it means that I will be the mother of 3 kids, aged 3 1/2 and under. I wonder if it really is true that it's going to take at least 6 months for me to even begin to feel normal. I wonder how long it will take for me to get up the courage to attempt to take all three of the boys out of the house at once (and if I will ever feel fully comfortable doing it before this baby is older than 1). I wonder how I'm going to manage holding Keegan's hand, and Camden's hand and hold a baby all at once while walking into a store, or crossing a street, or going anywhere period. I wonder if I'm going to be able to deal with preschool at my house again when it's my turn in the rotation to teach. I worry about how Keegan and Camden are going to react to him, and I worry about how much they might have to sacrifice over the next few months, and I hope and pray daily that they won't resent me or their little brother for it. I worry that I won't be able to show them how much I love all of them, and how that won't change even with a new little baby in our family. I worry about my ability to raise my boys right, so that they will add something amazing to my life and to the lives of whomever they might come in contact with. I worry about the fact that AJ and I will have even less time together than we already do, and I hope that it doesn't destroy or severely damage our relationship, and that the toll that it will take is something that we can get through and that we will be stronger for it on the other side. I worry about the stress that being the sole provider puts on AJ and I wonder how best to help ease it.

With Keegan I was so ready for him to just get here already, and be born, and it was hard having my doctor tell me that he wouldn't induce me (especially since it was my first) and it was hard having to go the 2 days past my due date that I had to before I went into labor with Keegan . With Camden, we scheduled the induction, because we wanted to make sure that my doctor was the one that delivered him, especially since she already knew all the history of what we were dealing with in regards to his lung, and we knew that he would be a bigger baby and then the little stinker decided to come the day before I was scheduled to be induced. This time around, I'm more than willing to just let this little boy come when he's ready, despite the fact that the longer he waits the bigger he will be, and despite the fact that I'm uncomfortable and physically done with being pregnant. It's not that I'm not ready to meet him, because I totally am. I can't wait to see if he looks like his brothers, or if he will look completely different. I'm ready to see what kind of personality he is going to have, especially since Keegan and Camden are total opposites in so many ways. I can't wait to see him and know what his name is. I can't wait to hold him, and love him and enjoy all of those amazing (albeit sleep-deprived) newborn moments that are so amazingly special, and yet, I still turned down my doctor's offer to induce me this Sunday, knowing that the next possible date for her to induce me after that won't be until after my due date, because I'm ready, and yet, I'm not, and I'm not really sure if there is any way to ever be fully ready for something like this, and I hate it.

I hate that I don't fully trust in myself, and in my ability to adapt and to expand, and to manage and to be a mother, which I know, without a doubt in my mind and heart, is what I was ultimately meant to do in this life. This is the path that I have chosen, and this is a decision that AJ and I made together, knowing what the challenges and trials and struggles might be, and now suddenly I have lost all confidence in myself and in that decision. I hate that I am so scared and so insecure about my abilities when I have family and friends that are struggling with so much more and who are doing it with such grace and confidence and strength.

Sometimes, human frailties suck.

Brothers...

I love the relationship that Keegan and Camden have developed. It's so much fun to listen to Keegan help Camden, to hear him ask "what you need Camden" or "it's alright, you okay, mom will be here any second". He always makes sure to look out for Camden. It's a blast watching Camden observe everything that Keegan does and then try and do the same thing. He truly admires and worships his older brother, and both boys make sure that if one of them gets a treat the other one gets one as well. I love that they are totally content having each other as play buddies, and that hugs inevitably turn into wrestling matches, and that walks around the neighborhood turn into races up and down our street. They don't always get along, but the love that they have for each other is pretty evident, especially at night, as they are going to bed and blowing kisses to each other. I found a quote a while back, and it seems perfect for my boys:

"Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero"