"Lost in the circle, beautiful circle, wonderful circle of love"

Sorry for my absence of late. I've been busy taking care of the three greatest little boys in the world. My days are full...sometimes, I'm not sure with what, and I find myself completely exhausted at the end of each day, but I am loving being a mom. Especially because I am a mom to these guys. I love my life.

Total Randomness...

apparently the housing market in San Diego is better than I thought, because even if your house isn't for sale, people are willing to buy it.

AJ and I got a letter in the mail the other day (just addressed to AJ, really, but since I live here too, it was also meant for me) from someone who said that she and her husband wanted to buy our house and that if we were willing to sell it to contact them. Hello, random, right? I mean, it's not like our house is on a busy street, where there is alot of traffic, so a lot of people see it, etc. We are at the end of a cul-de-sac...kind of out of the way. And it's not like we have a "for sale" sign in front of our house, or that we've contacted a realtor. Heck, it's not like we've even considered selling it...so why would someone just send a letter to us? Especially since there are actually 3 or 4 houses just down the street from us that are for sale.

Hmmm...I wonder if that means we just get to name our price too? :)

Hi, My Name is Hunter...

and I'm a milk-a-holic.

I still can't believe that it's been a month already. And I really can't believe that Hunter is as big as he is. He had his 1-month checkup today and he already weighs 12 lbs. 5.8 oz. REALLY?? And here I was thinking how small he seemed to me (and I guess in comparison to his brothers, he still is small...and yet, oh so big). Most importantly of all, I'm just grateful for how healthy he is...and how happy. For the most part he really is the eaisest baby (although we are still working on getting our days and nights figured out...right now his "day" starts at about 4:30 a.m. which is so not fun for me, or AJ, for that matter).

It's nice to have him here...and to have some of my fears and concerns just melt away. Keegan and Camden have been great with Hunter. They are so gentle and careful with him, and totally look out for him (the concerned look on Camden's face when Hunter starts to fuss is pretty stinking cute). For the most part, they just kind of ignore him...or just play around him, and thankfully there have been no jealousy issues. It's amazing how a heart can expand it's capacity to love...even when you think that it's just not possible.

Fear and Self-Loathing at 38 Weeks

WARNING: Super personal post ahead, so feel free to pass it up if you aren't in the mood to read it.

So, remember the episode of "The Office" where Pam and Jim are going to have their baby and Pam's obviously very much in labor, but she keeps putting off going to the hospital because she says that she wants that extra day in the hospital, although in reality it's really because she is scared that she can't do it?

Well lately, I've been channeling my inner-Pam, which would be fine and all if this was my first child, but somehow the fact that it's my third makes me feel really pathetic. I'm seriously scared out of my mind that I'm not going to be able to handle having a third baby, especially since it means that I will be the mother of 3 kids, aged 3 1/2 and under. I wonder if it really is true that it's going to take at least 6 months for me to even begin to feel normal. I wonder how long it will take for me to get up the courage to attempt to take all three of the boys out of the house at once (and if I will ever feel fully comfortable doing it before this baby is older than 1). I wonder how I'm going to manage holding Keegan's hand, and Camden's hand and hold a baby all at once while walking into a store, or crossing a street, or going anywhere period. I wonder if I'm going to be able to deal with preschool at my house again when it's my turn in the rotation to teach. I worry about how Keegan and Camden are going to react to him, and I worry about how much they might have to sacrifice over the next few months, and I hope and pray daily that they won't resent me or their little brother for it. I worry that I won't be able to show them how much I love all of them, and how that won't change even with a new little baby in our family. I worry about my ability to raise my boys right, so that they will add something amazing to my life and to the lives of whomever they might come in contact with. I worry about the fact that AJ and I will have even less time together than we already do, and I hope that it doesn't destroy or severely damage our relationship, and that the toll that it will take is something that we can get through and that we will be stronger for it on the other side. I worry about the stress that being the sole provider puts on AJ and I wonder how best to help ease it.

With Keegan I was so ready for him to just get here already, and be born, and it was hard having my doctor tell me that he wouldn't induce me (especially since it was my first) and it was hard having to go the 2 days past my due date that I had to before I went into labor with Keegan . With Camden, we scheduled the induction, because we wanted to make sure that my doctor was the one that delivered him, especially since she already knew all the history of what we were dealing with in regards to his lung, and we knew that he would be a bigger baby and then the little stinker decided to come the day before I was scheduled to be induced. This time around, I'm more than willing to just let this little boy come when he's ready, despite the fact that the longer he waits the bigger he will be, and despite the fact that I'm uncomfortable and physically done with being pregnant. It's not that I'm not ready to meet him, because I totally am. I can't wait to see if he looks like his brothers, or if he will look completely different. I'm ready to see what kind of personality he is going to have, especially since Keegan and Camden are total opposites in so many ways. I can't wait to see him and know what his name is. I can't wait to hold him, and love him and enjoy all of those amazing (albeit sleep-deprived) newborn moments that are so amazingly special, and yet, I still turned down my doctor's offer to induce me this Sunday, knowing that the next possible date for her to induce me after that won't be until after my due date, because I'm ready, and yet, I'm not, and I'm not really sure if there is any way to ever be fully ready for something like this, and I hate it.

I hate that I don't fully trust in myself, and in my ability to adapt and to expand, and to manage and to be a mother, which I know, without a doubt in my mind and heart, is what I was ultimately meant to do in this life. This is the path that I have chosen, and this is a decision that AJ and I made together, knowing what the challenges and trials and struggles might be, and now suddenly I have lost all confidence in myself and in that decision. I hate that I am so scared and so insecure about my abilities when I have family and friends that are struggling with so much more and who are doing it with such grace and confidence and strength.

Sometimes, human frailties suck.

Brothers...

I love the relationship that Keegan and Camden have developed. It's so much fun to listen to Keegan help Camden, to hear him ask "what you need Camden" or "it's alright, you okay, mom will be here any second". He always makes sure to look out for Camden. It's a blast watching Camden observe everything that Keegan does and then try and do the same thing. He truly admires and worships his older brother, and both boys make sure that if one of them gets a treat the other one gets one as well. I love that they are totally content having each other as play buddies, and that hugs inevitably turn into wrestling matches, and that walks around the neighborhood turn into races up and down our street. They don't always get along, but the love that they have for each other is pretty evident, especially at night, as they are going to bed and blowing kisses to each other. I found a quote a while back, and it seems perfect for my boys:

"Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero"

Catching Up...

So I realize how far behind I am with these posts, but I felt like I needed to catch up a little on what we've been doing. Keegan celebrated his 3rd birthday back in January. I still can't believe that he's already 3 (and that we've been in our house for just over 3 years now...time really needs to slow down a little). His birthday was a really low-key affair, but he didn't seem to notice or even really care, thankfully.

By far, Keegan's favorite present was his "big boy" bike that he received. The best part for us was the fact that we inherited it from some friends....SCORE (just don't tell Keegan). Most nights before dinner are now spent racing (and I'm not exaggerating on that last part) around our neighborhood. I'm usually still here at the house getting dinner ready, and I always know when Keegan is home because he rings his little bike bell as he comes up the driveway and then comes into the house and let's me know that his dad is a "slowpoke" and that Keegan is "the winner" and "superfast". I personally think it's the cutest thing in the world.

I can't believe how quickly he is growing up...he amazes me and entertains me on a daily basis. Seriously, this kid rocks. He's become such a big helper around the house, especially when AJ has had to leave for his trips around the world. The best way to get him to do anything is to tell him that you need his "big boy help" and he's all over whatever you've just asked him to do. He's totally his "dad's little buddy" and such a great big brother to Camden (I can't wait to see how he is with the next little one in a couple of months). He's so vocal and friendly with everyone, and I love it. He loves singing songs and we pretty much don't even listen to the radio anymore in the car. He still loves his race cars and catching bad guys and being a super hero and telling me that I get to decide what he wants to eat because he's "too busy". He started a gymnastics class a few weeks back, and while the first few weeks were rough and he had no desire to go back, at all, we stuck it out and now it's one of his favorite things to do. He loves going and getting his stamps at the end and doing all the jumps and exercises and things that he has learned (and he is more than willing to give anyone who will watch a demonstration of all the things he has learned to do). Curbs are no longer curbs, they are balance beams, and he has to walk on all of them "just like an airplane" with his arms stuck out wide. He has his favorite things...like the lions at the zoo, his yellow construction shirt with the buildings on it, jeans instead of shorts most days and his blue "gun" hat, and has certain things that almost always have to go with us wherever we go (which can be rough and delay us when he can't remember where he's left things), but he is the greatest little 3-year old. He melts my heart everytime he snuggles up to me on the couch at the end of the day as we read our books and tells me "mom, you my best friend." It's kind of selfish, but the only thing that I love about when AJ is gone is the fact that I get 100% of Keegan's snuggles and loves and hugs. I love that he wants me to lay down and take a nap with him in the afternoons, and that he'll close my eyes with his hands and tell me that I need to rest. I love hearing him fake snore when he's having competitions with AJ as to who can fall asleep faster for their Sunday afternoon naps, but most of all, I love having the privilege of raising this amazing little guy.

Ok..enough words...here are some recent pictures:

Updates are coming...

I promise. Things have happened in our household, like Christmas and a 3rd birthday and fun trips to the zoo and the park...and I have pictures to prove it. Unfortunately, I also have a really slow computer and a husband who is gone once again (he swears he's retiring from the full-time Rugby travel circuit, but I'm pretty sure he's just saying that to appease me). Don't give up on me (please, oh please, oh please, family of mine). I promise, I'll get myself together one of these days and get updates on our lives put on the blog. Just bear with me a little bit longer.